Weary, Wanting, Waiting

June 20, 2022 (journal entry) // I guess I’m just weary of almosts. of something feeling as though it’s just beyond my reach. timing. of circumstances not permitting a fully transparent expression of the current, as well as the potential, care and love I crave to show; of being almost able to finally taste and see my dreams become reality- but not yet. tired of the ‘not yet’. when is it going to be my turn. always waiting my turn, quietly, with little complaint; not making a fuss, not putting myself where I’m not wanted, not forcing or manipulating. God, when is it going to be my turn?.. It’s so weird knowing I’m finally wanted but having to still continue to wait. I’m tired of wanting, of waiting, of…I want to want for nothing. every once in a while the thought crosses my mind: that this dream that I can’t remember ever living without, this vision and this desire for my life- that that’s all it’ll ever be, a dream. and my heart breaks; it startles me to think that this life I can see so clearly in my mind may only ever be a figment of my imagination, never reality. Lord, You have to be enough for me…I have to let You be enough. Redeem my tears, Father. //

Trusting the Lord’s timing is a hard thing. Even when His past faithfulness is ample evidence for future help. His plan is good, and is often better understood in hindsight.

But it’s in the midst that waiting tests us.

Though, we make it harder than it needs to be.

We affirm with our words that God is sovereign- nothing touches us, or is kept from us, without first passing through His very capable hands.

But our actions often contradict our words. We live in fear, anxiety, stress- however discreet or quiet. These are simply symptoms of a deeper sin in our hearts.

What are fear, anxiety, stress except distrust in God?

If we believe that God is God, and that God is good, the natural consequence then is that we will not fear. We cannot.

Like John Macarthur said: “If you believe what you say you believe about who God is, start acting like it.”

When our gaze is fixed upon the Lord, we cannot help but walk in peace knowing that we have a Father who takes good care of His children. What we don’t have now, we don’t need now. God will never neglect us- what a hopeful thing.

“It may seem an easy thing to wait, but it is one of the postures that a Christian soldier cannot learn without years of teaching. Marching and quick-marching are much easier for God’s warriors than standing still…But wait in faith. Express your unstaggering confidence in Him; for unfaithful, untrusting waiting is just an insult to the Lord.”

~Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, August 30

When I am so lonesome that my heart seems to physically ache; when my empty arms feel burdened by the children I have not been given to hold and care for; when the vision of my future that I see in my mind with frightening clarity is obscured by tears welling up in my eyes because it seems so impossible at this point…

It’s in these moments- these moments of fear that by God not giving me what I want He’s also somehow keeping me from what I need– that I must repent and ask Him for forgiveness and fresh strength to trust Him.

It’s an odd thing to consider being burdened by lack. When empty arms can feel so, so heavy.

“He [the believer] can say, ‘If I should lose everything, it is better that I should lose it than keep it if it is God’s will: The worst disaster is the wisest and the kindest thing that I could face if God ordains it.'”

~Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, August 5

I must let the Lord be enough.

If all I have is all my life will ever be, or if all I have is stripped from me and I must do without, I pray I will be able to bless the name of our Lord who gives and takes away (Job 1:21) and rest fully satisfied in Him.

P.S. I don’t intend to suggest that this is the perpetual state of my heart. But it comes and goes, and is difficult when the desires of my heart- that I believe the Lord has given me- continue to be unmet, at least in the way I envision. So I’d welcome prayer, and any wisdom and insight you may have to share. It’s a beautiful thing we we can encourage each other in these things.