Unapologize
My standards are not too high.
My expectations are not unrealistic.
I’m not going to apologize for them anymore, to myself or anyone else. I’m not going to let myself participate in the pity-parties my mind may try to host.
My renewed understanding of my opening statements here, about what I desire from a relationship, has filled me with a newfound confidence in not settling, in not compromising. My new assurance in my standards has… flipped a switch in my own attitude toward my relationship status.
In the past, while never intending to ‘play the victim’ I was doing just that, but in a holy-ish “God is writing my love story” kind of way.
The Lord convicted me one day about being prideful in my singleness;
and that perhaps I have emphasized my singleness in the past to remind people that “God is making my story reallly special because I’m having to wait. And…you didn’t, so maybe my standards are higher than yours and I’m learning more in this season, and so ultimately will be happier than you or am just better than you and so will also receive better than you”.
Or something like that.
Yikes. Right?
This was another gentle slap in the face for me from the Holy Spirit, and has helped me better “rejoice with those who rejoice” when they are receiving the desires of my heart.
Because, even though we often say that:
“someone else’s success/victory is not your loss/failure”
or
“just because she’s beautiful doesn’t mean you aren’t”
or
“their accomplishment doesn’t take anything away from you”
it can feel like that when we see one more beautiful, God-fearing man enter into a relationship- with the pickings as slim as they already are- that’s one less eligible Christian bachelor for us to maybe potentially snag for ourself.
Y’all, I totally believe God is writing the perfect love story. But, I’m learning that I am not a passive participant in my own life. I am not single against my will. I could be in a relationship. I’ve had opportunities over the years to have a boyfriend. I have had chances to not be single. I’ve had prospects. But I didn’t pursue them and allow them to go down a path I knew would only end eventually, because from the very beginning I knew my non-negotiable wasn’t being fulfilled.
Really, I only have a single non-negotiable expectation, and it is this:
whoever I meet, and eventually love and enter a relationship with, must be completed sold-out to the Lord and his relationship with Christ.
First and foremost, God Almighty must be His Savior, the true Lord and King of His heart. If this is the case, and then said-guy is interested in me and pursues me, I know that every other thing on my “wish list” will be taken care of.
Because seeing a guy who’s serious about his relationship with the Lord automatically makes him 100x more attractive, so that in itself pretty much takes care of that. And if the attraction isn’t there initially, the more you know and love someone, the more beautiful they become to you- this I know to be true.
Because when Jesus is first, then I will be well taken care of. I will not have to question if I am loved. When Jesus is first, I will have a spiritual leader to guide and support and strengthen my walk with the Lord. When Jesus is first, my family and children will be guarded, provided for, and fully loved and enjoyed. When Jesus is first, I will be respected and valued and cherished. When Jesus is first, I will be protected.
Just like Christ loves us, the church as His bride, when a man overflowing with that same love finds me, it will be a true and incredible example of Christ’s relationship with us- a picture of heaven on earth.
So why would I pursue relationships with guys that, in the long-term, couldn’t guarantee me my actual dreams come true? If you can’t give me Jesus, if you don’t want that, then nothing else matters; if you give me everything I want in life, but without Jesus, then it’s not really what I want so why would I chase that?
And yet, all of this is true of my Jesus Himself. I do not need a husband to have these things, and I hope you understand that’s not what I’m intending to say. If/when the Lord allows me to find an earthly love like His, it must be exactly that- like His. Or else I will not accept it as anything more than social.
My value and identity do not rest in, or exist in, anything or anyone but Christ. So, if someone doesn’t believe with me in my God, they can’t value me in the way my identity requires.
Not a long time ago, but not recently either, the Lord and I had a good talk. I told Him that if it was not in His will for me to ever be married then that was alright by me. Because, truly, He is all I need, all my heart’s desire. Human loves will always fail in comparison, and I cannot depend on anything to fill my heart like my Father does.
My desire for a relationship does not outweigh God as my first priority, and so doesn’t outweigh my need and desire for a relationship to be wholly honoring to Him. My desire to have a boyfriend in no way exceeds my need to have said boyfriend be completely sold out for the Lord.
That is a vital, necessary, non-negotiable foundation that must be present for my spirit to be assured any relationship will succeed.
I will not compromise.
I will not settle.
I will not chase after a guy. I need someone who is going to pursue me, and doesn’t mind doing so.
I can usually tell pretty soon after a guy shows interest in me (if we can even get to the point where I’m confident that’s what’s even happening) whether or not he’s the one actually interested, or if he’d prefer I do all the work to initiate all the conversations and try and set up plans- which I can tell you, doesn’t last long. Because if any guy starts off by trying to let me take the lead, he won’t pick it up later, and well…I’m not interested in playing games at this point; I actually said that to someone once…Guess what- that was pretty much the end of that. Either you’re interested or you’re not, and you’re either going to pursue that interest or you’re not.
I know nobody is perfect,
everyday I’m realizing how much grace I need and how much grace I must give
-but knowing myself and how easily I get attached to people, I’m not going to enter into a relationship that doesn’t fulfill my needs/expectations knowing that it won’t work out in the long-run.
I’m no longer going to apologize for this.
I am unapologizing for all the times I thought to myself, “Well, Katie, tough luck- you’re never going to find someone who can be all these things for you. Maybe you should just let it go.”
I don’t ever want to look back on this season and think, “God, why did I ever doubt You?”
This thought has been keeping me in check. Mmm, y’all, the Holy Spirit’s been teaching. When this thought first crossed my mind, can I admit that I was envisioning my wedding day? I was envisioning my wedding day, like we all have, and was imagining the things I may say…and I heard myself saying, ‘I don’t know why I ever doubted the Lord in all of this’, and that image hurt my heart.
So here we are. Trusting in the Lord, for He is sovereign. And trusting that He will give me good judgement and peace to know when it’s finally right. In the mean time, well, I’m learning to embrace the adventure.
Closing thoughts:
How do you find the balance? Between seeking out someone who is mature in their walk with God and ready to lead spiritually, and giving someone grace to grow into that role and be willing to walk with them through that rather than waiting for the ‘finished product’?
Part of me feels that if I can’t tell almost right away that a guy is passionate about the Lord and prepared to lead me spiritually, then he’s not ready to be in a relationship. Another part of me knows though that I may be a tool the Lord uses to help lead someone into that role.
I could use your insights. I’m curious to get perspective on this.
Thank you for stopping by. For reading, and taking a glimpse into my heart. I hope it was helpful for you, and encourages you to keep your resolve steady as you wait for the one whom your soul loves.
xoxoxox
Katie